Susan McDonald: Get to know the secrets for dealing with introverts – The Providence Journal

I recently realized that I’m an introvert. I always thought I was shy, and even a lot like my mother, whom I have always thought of as an independent loner.

It’s not that I don’t like people, but the thought of mingling in large groups, especially when I have no real purpose but to partake in idle chitchat, makes me a little nauseous, for several reasons. First, I’m not good at it, probably due to the second reason — I don’t like it much. Even professional networking to me seems awkward and phony.

This revelation led to some deep self-reflection, which, by the way, is a sign of an introvert. The “intro” part of the word means we love getting inside our own heads and knocking around in there for answers and inspiration.

It has actually been life-altering as I realize that I’m really not the shy shrinking violet I’ve always thought of myself as. It actually makes sense. As a journalist (another sign of being an introvert – many of us are writers, again due to the tendency to be inside our own heads), I’ve interviewed everyone — celebrities, heroes and countless slick politicians and others with their own agendas. I’ve been maligned, cursed at and the subject of scathing diatribes from the pulpit. Never bothered or intimidated me, and I always got the job done.

Doesn’t sound very shy, does it?

Introverted is much different from shy. It’s an unlikely combination of private, easily embarrassed and independent. I have friends and like being with them, coworkers and family. But on my terms, or it’s not always a fun experience for me. When I can’t control the terms, I get restless and sometimes irritable. In the end, even if the experience has been fun, I’m glad to be home or just driving home, if I’m alone in my car.

Reading through a list of ways to know you’re introverted was enlightening. Yes, I always choose a seat on the end so I only have to sit next to one other person. I screen calls, even from friends (sorry!), I can reach social butterfly overload and need solitude and I am constantly running an inner monologue. Is that what my mother calls liking her own company?

I did a little more digging and it turns out that there’s a whole psychology of dealing with people like myself who are introverts. If you are one or in a relationship with one, the tips might be eye-opening and leave you nodding your head in agreement. It might all make more sense by the end of this list.

In dealing with an introvert:

Do not criticize or reprimand us in front of a group. Talk to us privately. This could even apply to teaching new skills. Don’t try it in a group setting, but take us aside and help.

Give us advance notice of any changes or plans, and even 15-minute warnings to finish what we’re doing and shift gears for other plans. We need that time to get out of our own head and get ready to be with you and others.

Don’t force us to be outgoing or make lots of friends. It’s not in our DNA, and we’re OK with that. If it’s OK with us, it should be OK with you.

Understand that we like our privacy. We may not host parties at home or carpool to events. We covet our own special space.

Let us immerse ourselves in a situation. We simply cannot jump right in. We need to acclimate and observe first.

Give us time to think when you ask us a question. We’re not usually ones to answer immediately. And, when we do answer, do not interrupt. It throws off our entire train of thought.

Do not feel offended if we skip large parties or make excuses to leave early. We can not only feel uncomfortable in a crowd, but can actually feel alone, which may seem odd to you but it is very real to us.

Most of all, know that it’s us, not you. If we count you as our friends and support team, we truly do like you. It’s just a balance for us as we hold socializing and inner peace in opposite hands, striving for an even plane. Be patient. We’ll be out to play eventually.

Sue McDonald juggles marriage, motherhood, stepmotherhood, volunteer work and a full-time job.